"You ok" update

While i was on twitter, i saw this and thought of me.
" I don't want to bother people with my problems anymore, that's why I lie"

I have been doing this lately. I have been lying to mostly everyone, about how i have been doing, about how im feeling. I APOLIGIZE IN ADVANCE TO EVERYONE. Yeah, its not good to do. When you do this, you hold in all the anger, stress, emotions, (etc), and when you do that, it does not help at all. I just feel like its the same old stuff with me, and everyone is tired of dealing w/ me. Here is alittle example.
I talked to a family member last night, after a fight i had, tried holding back tears. I told her, that im doing great, she knew something was wrong,(crying gave it away), we talked and i told her, "Im only 18, dealing w/stupid crap at home, i told her i want to go back to that sweet little girl, i was in elementary/middle school. The one who doesnt get on peoples nerves, and get them dissapointed at me".
Her Response:
"Kenzie, your always going to get on peoples nerve, people are always going to be dissapointed in you. And as for going back to that sweet girl in elementary/middle school, you cant go back to her"
Its like wow thanks, nice way to help me, so thats why im just gonna stick to lying to people, who txt me, and ask " You ok"?
This will be a good test of friendship, if someone txts you, "you ok", if people really care, and know you well,and know, something might be wrong they wont say "ok", or ignore you,  when you txt them, they will actually tlk to you, and try to help you. DONT LIE, BE HONEST AND SEE HOW MANY PEOPLE STILL TXT YOU "OK", "GREAT","AWESOME".
I will even start to being more honest.
You guys leave me comments on here, twitter, or txt me if u know me, on if you did this, and if it improved your friendship/trust w/someone, or if they continued to not help.

Are You Ok?

Everyone gets asked "Are you ok", almost everyday. Your response "Yeah", "Im doing great",etc.
Are you really ok, though? Most people are not ok, they will lie and say yeah.
Everyone goes through something different in life, you never know if they are having a bad day. They could be crying, drinking, you NEVER know. So next time you ask that question, really think about their response. If you really know the person, and their past, you might beable to tell if they are or not. Does that make sense?

Now to the people who answer the question. There is no need to lie about how you are. If your not ok, so no im not. People send that to you, because they are worried about you. If your not ok, or if your having a tough day, call someone and talk to them. I promise, it makes everything alot better.

BELIEVE

Well this saying actually means alot to me. Ive had to geown to believe this.
Ive never believed this, ive always put myself down, never thought i was gonna get anywhere in life.
Freshman year, i thought i was never going to make it to senior year. I thought i was gonna drop out. I actually didnt try as hard as i should have. I have given up on myself at times. Same with sophmore year.
Junior year, i actually ran into my middle school science teacher, and actually tried, cause junior year, i ended up failing regents and classes.
Senior year, finally came. Didnt end like i thought but i made it.

Here is how the quote fits in:
I DREAMED of being the first in my family to graduate and attend college.
I BELIEVED in myself through everything that i would make it this far.
I ACHIEVED my goal.
Im HAPPY & SMILING, because i finally made it to where i want to be.
Im Happy because i have people in my corner helping me, BELIEVING in me, caring and listening to me when i need help. And i LOVE, and APPRECIATE everything they do for me.

Transformation Tuesday

Here is a little transformation.
When i was little to now, a graduated high school student, about to start HVCC.
When i was little, i was this perfect child, never did anything wrong. I got along w/everyone. Didnt get invovled where i wasnt supposed to.

Now, im a High School Graduate. I have changed. Im not that much of a Sweet girl anymore. I get in trouble, im arguing and lying to everyone. I feel like im not the type of daughter my parents want at times. I feel like im a bad influence on my siblings.
I feel bad because i get involvedin situation where i dont belong.
I wish i could be that cut girl again, in the photo.
I cant, neither can you. We all grow up, in different ways, different times. Take your time, dont rush anything. I learned this all the hard way. Im still learning the hard way. Believe me. Its hard, but u will love and thank everyone, for yelling at you, for tlking to you at late hrs. For caring and jist listening. TRUST ME LIFE GETS BETTER!!!!!

30 Day Self Esteem Answers

Im not gonna lie, i dont want to do this challenge, but i promised someone i would, so im not gonna break my promise. Some questions dont make sense, but im gonna stick through it, and answer them. Here are the first ten.
1. A facial feature i like about myself, are my eyes.
2. I dont have any physical feature i like about my self.
3. A part of my personality i like is that im funny and sweet.
4. I dont have a habit i really like, i have bad habits like, lying and arguing.
5. I dont like how i think because i tend to make bad decision most of the time.
6. I like that im a caring person.
7. I tend not to feel good about myself. If/when i feel best about myself it would be when im by myself.
8. The last time i smile when some one complimented me, was at my graduation. They told me " you deserve this, and im proud of you"
9. Drawing and spending time w/ friends, and tlking to people who care about me, makes me smile, because im doing somwthing i love.
10. "I am, who i am, because i am my own person". I choose how to act, behave. Nobody makes my choices but me.

My answers will get better, just taking this challenge one day at a time. I will also start writing more, about different things, just going through alot, good and bad. Im also getting ready for work and college. My brother also starts football on the first, so life is stressful.

Latest Update

Ok, well the last couple blogs got posted late. I took my Teacher Assistant test, and felt good about it. (Will now result nxt month), its out of my hands so i cant control it anymore. Im getting ready for my online classes nxt month. I had a job interview, but i didnt get the job :(
There are some things on my mind, that i need to let out, and ill do that here, so i dont need to keep bothering my DAD2. Im being a pain. Ha.
I got some upsetting news, about my Uncle. Nvrmind, i cant. Lets forget about that. 
Any ways, someone sent me this on twitter, kinda caught me off guard. I really did not know how to respond to it. I eventually did though. I hope my answer helped.
" Hey, im in the same position as u, i have a person who is also like another dad to me, and we got into a bad argument, and. I lied to him. He doesnt know but i have so much guilt, i want to tell him, but i dont know how? Have u ever been in my position? If so, how long did it for him to catch on? I dont want my situation to get as far as ur did, and almost loose our relationship, but if i have to lie to protect my feeling should i?

My response," Yes, i know how u are feeling. Ive been in your postion plenty of times, and yeah, if i lie to my second dad again, i loose our friendship. You dont want that to happen. I have yet, to get in a bad argument w/ him. I hope that NEVER happens. My second Dad, did not know i was lying to him at first either. To be honest, i dont know how he caught on. I forgot. My advice on how to tell him, " just contact him, and tell him, u are sorry, u didnt know what u were thinking, and it wont happen again." It worked for me everytime, hey it still does. As for lying to protect ur feelings, idk how to really answer that one. My Dad2, treats me like a daughter, so he never takes anything easy, he will yell at me if i need it. Idk if ur is like that? I have lied recentally to protect my feelings, it doesnt help, cause u still feel the guilt. Just behonest, and if he finds out u lied, be ready to take the consequence/lecture, and just behonest from now. Hope it helps, keep me posted

30 Day Self Esteem Challenge Questions

Ok, im not gonna lie, i have always had low self esteem, never felf comfortable about my body. So im gonna do this test. Hopefully it will help. I hope u all do this test also. Just like the self harm challenge, i will post my answers on here, so u can see my progress.

30 Day Challenge Answers

Well everyone, i did it. I completed the challenge. I Didnt cut through the whole challenge. So here are my final answers.

23. My favorite inspirational quote would have to be from my DAD2. "If at first you dont suceed, try,try again"
24. My main triggers are being misunderstood, and stress.
25. I dont know any statistics about self harm
26. Spending quality time w/family and friends, and not fighting.
27. I have only cut once, since the start of the challenge.
28. The short term goals i have are to get along w/ people better, and not self harm any more.
29. I do not follow any self harm blogs.
30. This graduation picture of me will always remind me of what ive went through, and it was alot. If it was not being expelled from school, it was getting yelled at. Etc. Im a changed girl now, and i could not be happier.

Worth More

Well, its been alittle while since i wrote. This picture says it all. "Im trying to stay strong for my siblings". Ive been going through alot. Ive been fighting with my parents more. Im getting ready for HVCC nxt month. Alot of stress, and due to that i went back to my old ways, ive cut again, lied to somebody i should not have. Im definately not happy where i am right now. Im getting depressed again, and that is not good. Ive had to go through counseling in school due to depression.

With all this going on , im trying to stay strong. Yeah, im an ADULT, but the pressure i have is unbearble sometimes. Im barely getting any attention from my parents, im getting barely any support from them. Ive been making decisions im proud and not proud of. Im definately trying to stay strong, because im definately worth it.
I have a love and hate relationship with my life. Lately sometimes i feel like i dont belong here anymore. Ive tried to end my life, ive had plans/thoughts. I never go through with it, but i have had the thoughts/ plan lately.

Staying Strong

Its been a little while since i wrote. Ive been going through alot lately. Ive been emotionally, physically drained. Ive been loosing sleep, been being stressed over Teaching Assistant Test.
Ive made acouple stupid decisions, ive cut again, i lied to somebody, ive left home for a day. Im not proud of these decisions at all.
Ive made acouple good decisions, that i am proud of, im watching after siblings, eliminating negative people, and applied for a job.

Im slowly, changing, and making better decisions.

30 day challenge answers

10. I dont feel good about my scars. I already have low self esteem, i dont feel comfortable about my body, so when i want to wear my bathsuit some scars are exposed. I feel like everyone is going to see me and judge me.
11. The strangest place i have cut, would have been in 6th grade science. And once in the library, during tutoring.
12. I dont keep my tools, i dispose of them, when done.
13. The biggest realization ive made with self harm is that it does nothin to help the recovery process. It completly stupid.
14. There are three people i find an inspiration in my recovery process. Those people are my science teacher, my brother, and my sister. My science is like a father to me, and he treats me like a daughter, so when he yells it hurts, but i need it. He makes me stronger. And my siblings need there older sister in their life, to help them make good choices.
15. I dont visit any websites, but i do follow someone on twitter.
16. The advice i give someone who self harms, would be find someone who you trust, and tlk to them, and then get help.
17. I do not know anyone else who self harms.
18.Dear kenzie,
             Im glad you are no longer making stupid decision. Im glad you finally opened up to someone, and took there advice to get help. I want you to know where you were, and where you are now. I dont want you to ever go back. Remember have faith in yourself, and you will always have someone to talk to.
19. 5 reson recovery is worth it.
           1. Have my future
            2. Family/friends
              3. Its not worth the pain
                4. So everyone isnt upset with me
                  5. I wont be judge
20. I dont really have a vivid memory of cutting. I tend to forget the memories, because it is a stupid idea.
21. I have tried to stop, i have stoped for 6yrs before. It was hard because i didnt have someone to talk to. Thats what im doing different this time, im talking to two people, who are helping me stop, and come up w/ different techniques to calm down.
22. I feel the most calm in my room, listening to music, talking to the one person who cares

Decision making update

Okay, lets remember, the first post, was to tell everyone to make good, postive decision, that benifit ur future. Also, remember, when i said i need to follow my own advice, it hasnt worked yet.
Thursday night was long night. It was a stressful night. I talked to my teacher, but before that i made a bad decision. And its coming back, to bite me in the @$$. I need good luck, cause tomorrow, i need to talk to my teacher  about that decision. Im nervous to see what he has to say, cause through the txt, it looks like he is Pissed at me.  He told me, " im beyond yelling at you kenz", so im thinking he is really pissed, or he is giving up on helping me, or both. Idk, so, im not only nervous, but kinda teary eyed. Idk, i could be blowing this out of proportion, and this could just be another "heart-heart" tlk..  but, If you remember the last post, it mentioned, how much i appreciate his help, and idk, what i would do with him in my life, helping. He has  been there for me all year. Thats why im nervous.
Hopefully he reads this before, and he knows, im sorry for my bad decision, thay i know it was wrong, and i wont do it again, causr all i have to do is talk to him, and he will help me through it. Also, he wont give up on helping me, or not be in my life anymore(end our friendship)

Im Sorry update

Yesterday was a tough day, for me.
The last blog i wrote, was an important topic to me. Im going to repeat something,"We all make mistakes in life, and sometimes hurt the ones we care about". That is important, we all remember, espically for me, because i didnt realize how much i hurt the one person, that has a special spot in my heart till now. My last blog was an apology to that person, and it meant alot.
Last night, after i posted that, he called me and told me he read it, and it touches home, and that he agrees that ive lied one to many times. Btw, im crying writing this. Last night we really had a Heart to Heart talk. Let me tell you that talk really touched my heart, and kinda made me mad.  That teacher is my second Dad, i care and respect him like a dad.  He is the only one i can talk to, and he understands/know, what im going through. And yesterday, when he said " If you still want me in your life, and help you, then you need to stop lying to me" " your like a daughter to me, and i will talk and treat you like one, but if you lie to me again then our friendship will be over". Just thinking about that really makes me upset, cause of how much he has helped me. I cant even think about loosing a friendship over a LIE. Like i said earlier, not only did the coversation touch home, and hurt(makes me upset), but it also, changed my perspective on life, and decision making. I know im not gonna lie ANYMORE, to that one person. He has helped me through so much, and he does not deserve me lying to him.

Im getting worked up over nothin, so i have to stop.

Im sorry

This topic is important to me, im literally tearing up writing this. We all make mistakes in life, and sometimes hurt the people in our lives we care about. One way to make it better is to apologize. But for some cases, "Im sorry" losses meaning after you use it alot. My " Im sorry" is heading in that direction. I need to really start listening to my own advice, because ive lied one to many times, to people that have a special place in my heart. One person, in particular. Can you guess the person? Well, i hope this poem, i wrote, means more than a regular sorry. And that one person, can tell how sincer i really am. Well, lets hope, here it is.

                                         DAD2
IM REALLY SORRY FOR MY RECENT ACTIONS, I FEEL SO MUCH GUILT
I KNOW WHAT I DID WAS WRONG, IM SO SORRY FROM DEEP INSIDE
CLEARLY GUILTY, MY HANDS ARE TIED
WHAT I DID WAS NOT VERY KIND,
I DONT KNOW WHAT, GOT INTO MY MIND
FROM DEEP INSIDE MY HEART, I BRING THIS APOLOGY
I KNOW THERE IS NO VALID EXCUSE
IM REALLY SORRY, I TRULY CARE,
WHAT I DID WAS COMPLETLY UNFAIR,
HOPE YOU FORGIVE ME,
I FEEL AWFUL ABOUT MY LIE
                                              THE END

P.S. NEVER SAID I WAS GOOD AT RYMING

Inspiring Quotes

Inspirational Quotes. You down, and need some inspirational words, these help. I look at all these, mostly top four, and it helps me cool down.

Science Teacher:
1. If at frist, you dont suceed, try try again
2. This process is a marathon nit a sprint so be patient, and you will be rewarded.
3. You are you because you are you
4. Nobody knows you better than you
Social Teacher:
5. You are where you are because the choices you make

"If the CAP fits, let them wear it" Bob Marley
That has been my CAP class quote, since 11 grade. Focusing on that quote also, made me get to where i am now.

Decision Making

Well, everything has been okay lately. I have not sf harmed in 12days. I have not lied to my teacher in 2 days. I went to the doctors, because ive been sick lately and that turned into me having to do a self esteem challenge. With that out, who is ready for a biography?
Its my personal experience with issues.
Relationships
Im 18, and from East Greenbush,Ive dealt with being bullied, being expelled from school, getting in fights. Ive had thoughts of running away. My parents and i dont have a healthy relationship. My Dad, and i fight almost everyday. Ive gotten better on the way i deal w/ it. Normally, i was say, F**k this, and leave the house. I now, ocassionally txt, my Dad2, "SLOW DOWN AND BREATH". I forget every once and awhile. My siblings realtionship w/ me, is good, we fight like everyother siblings do. My mom and i get along well, we dont fight. Thats my realationship, now the important part.
Decision Making.
Ive made some stupid decisions in my life. And if anyone who, nows me, read this, they could comment, on countless stupid decisions, ive made. Im 18, im gonna do it. Im just not gonna lie about them, yes,
1. Ive ran away from home
2. Ive partied before
3. Ive had drinks before,
4. Ive lied, to teachers/principals/parents
5. Ive got into fights, im a teenager, youre gonna want to do it. But let me be the first, to tell you, there stupid choices, ive made. Ive had countless, tlks with a teacher, who has tlked me out of making the same mistakes. And let me tell you, ive got mad at the teacher, he has gotten mad at me, but if it was not for him, i would not be here. I love that teacher for it. I dont know, how i could repay, him for all his hard work, and not giving up on me.
Environment
This is important, i would know. You have to have a calm, and positive environment around you. I can be the first, to tell. I dont have a calm environment, im around fighting, i get in fights. And as a result of that, i get mild- migranes, everyday, i get sick, and just dont want to be here anymore.

My advice to everyone is,
1. Find a teacher, relative, friend, someone you trust, someone who will listen.
2. Learn Hot Yoga, it releases stress. 3. Find a place to get away to, if the environment, is not calm, and safe.
4. Dont make stupid decisions,
5. PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR FUTURE!!!, ITS YOUR MAIN GOAL.

This, helped me, release some stress from todays, crazy day.

Need attention?

Its 1:17 am, thought i would update you on something, we talked about yesterday. Everyone remember the teacher i told u about? Well, get readt.
  Yesterday, after i wrote that about the teacher, that was always there for me, i sent him the link, to read it. Also, remember the lesson i told you? DONT LIE, TO A TEACHER, THAT IS LIKE A FATHER, WHO IS ALWAYS THERE! Btw, it wasnt my last chance, the teacher was happy w/ what i wrote.
Here is where the lesson comes in play again,
Well, that teacher ask " How was ur day"?  I replied, " it was okay, not home all day" Did i lie, or did i tell the truth?????  I started to, my day was okay, but then, i did what the Title is called " needed  attention", so being the "smart" person i am, i said" im with friends partying" Well, sure enough, he thought i was telling the truth. I thought i got away with it. I was happy i got attention. Wait, after several txts...
Sure enough he caught on, and i got the txt "i hate to say this but i have to, Are you lying to me"? Sure, enough i got caught right handed. I had to admit to it. I was sure the nxt day, i was going to get a lecture. Well, i was right about some, that tlk came sooner. After, i told him " NOO, I was lying" and " ur gonna hate me" I got the txt, i new was gonna come, just not at 12:45am " Find somewhere to talk, and call me"? So, i did, just that. After, we settled the lying, He would ask me so many times, if i was home. Just to see if i would tell the truth. I was, btw. That conversation lasted till 1:00. He is still confused, why i lied. Well, i did it for attention. Im gonna have to do more explaining probably. I know, its wrong, to lie to get attention. Thats the point, im trying to make. If you need/want attention, cause maybe u dont get enough? Maybe u dont get any? DONT, DONT LIE, TO GET IT, YOU WILL HAVE ALOT OF EXPLAINING TO DO.
Well,im beat, its now, 2:19am, i need sleep.
Also, if ur gonna spend a wk w/friends make sure they are real, can u guess where im going w/this???

DAD2: Ur the best
Btw, i kinda lied the other day, about being at my friends house, since june 30th.(since fight)

30 day challenge answers

Here are my first nine answers
1. I started cutting myself in 6th grade. I did this challenge, and didnt cut for 6yrs. I graduated high school, and started again, because of stress in my life. I started cutting again because i thought it would relase the stress.
2. My thighs are my main affected area.
3. My main motivation would have to be my science teacher, he is like another father, and he has been supporting me through everything. Also, my siblings, i have to be here for them, they are my main priority in life. I also cant stand scaring the ones that actually care for me.
4. At times i think im addicted to self harm.
5. I dislike the pain and the judgment from people that know i self-harm.
6. I used to like the attention i got from people. I learned though, i dont have to cut to get attention.
7. Ten things that calm me down
     1. Hot yoga 2. Dancing 3. Walking 4. Listening to music 5. Taking nap 6. Drawing 7. Reading 8. Writing
9. Cooking 10. Talking to DAD2

8. That im a smart chick, im worth more than i give myself credit for, that i can make it through anything, and im a beautiful young lady.
9. I have taken pics of two of my cuts. I actually got the advice from someone i tlk to. He gave me the idea, so i can tell myself " kenzie stop, this is stupid". Everytime i fell like cutting, i look at those photos. Sometimes it works sometimes it doesnt. But im not giving up.

A teacher

Im writing about something different today. I will do this time by time. This is a lesson i was taught, and never learned till now. Hopefully, the teacher im writing about reads this. The pic proves it all though.
Okay, i have one teacher that has touched my heart. That one teacher is like a father to me, i even call him my dad. He was my sixth grade teacher, and 12th grade tutor. Ive been through alot in life, especially this year and he has been by my side, when ever i need him, he is there. We have a good relationship, when i dont lie. He always has the best advice, he always now what to say when im down and upset, and he knows when im lying! Have you had a teacher like this? Lying is my next point. Ive had experience where ive lied to him, and he has caught me. I dont know, why i lie to him, sometimes its because im afraid to hear the truth, and reality he will tell me.  When i lie to him, i get mad cause he is mad. Know what i mean?
Last week , i was having a bad day and he was there, to help me through it. And i did, i got through, without doing anything stupid. Wait.... No i did, i lied once again. He caught me, and i think, that was my last chance to show he can trust me. Im still beating my self up, for lying to him. I hope, i can regain he trust again. He is the only one that listens and understands me.

My advice for anyone that has a teacher like this, my advice is to not lie. Be honest with them. They are there to help, and the cant help, without all the details and info. Ive learned the hard way.