Christmas spirit

Hey, hey, hey white drops are fallin 

Hey, hey, hey the angels are callin 

Yeah, yeah, yeah Jesus a rising

Christmas is a coming

Hang up your stockings

Christmas is a coming

Angels are coming, so better start believing 

Everyone celebrates, time to start giving

So start this song

Hey, hey,hey Santa is on its way

Yeah, Yeah, Yeah season's greetings

Yeah,yeah,yeah time for caroling. 

Christmas is a coming 

Happy New Year

Christmas is a coming

Ribbons and wrappers 

Christmas tree is all shining

Get all dressed up

hey,hey,hey Merry Christmas

Yeah,yeah,yeah wishing a new year

Hey,hey,hey the world is white and clear

Say no more Christmas is a coming

 Hey,hey,hey no more glooming 

yeah,yeah,yeah there is more blooming

hey,hey,hey everything is ready

Christmas a coming

Update: Final week before christmas break for everyone. I did volunteer work again this week. We had our Christmas party, and did crafts. At the end of the day, they gave me a gift, it was so sweet. They gave me a Apple cinnamon candle. When i brought them up for dismissal, i actually got teary eyed. Didnt cry likethe teacher did, haha   . I had 5 kids hugging me, asking me to come back, there exact words  " Miss Mackenzie, can you please come back after break" " Miss Mackenzie, we love having you in, you are the best Student Teacher".  I love doing volunteer, i cant wait to actually teach them. That class is my favorite, and   I love those cray, kids.  

Stressful life

Well, my life has been stressful lately, many fights going on in my life. Ive been getting involved or getting stressed over BS that dosent involve me. When i get worked up, my blood pressure gets high, therefore my blood pressure has been high. I try to be the person that stops the fighting, but i only make it worse. I have been getting involved more than i should have. 

My grades were not what i wanted them to be. I feel i will have people being dissapointed in me because they know im a smart girl, and im capable of doing better. On that note, i know what i need to do nxt semester to bring my grades higher.  

Update12/24 I got a C in every course. Final GPA was a 2.00

I have been LYING. I lied to somebody i REALLY should not have, I have been trying to stop. I stoped for awhile. I did it to cover the way i feel, and to protect both mine and his feelings. However, it only hurts that person, and gets me introuble. Im probably gonna be cut off next time, if he does not catch me, with this one.

Usually my blood pressure is high, well i have not been feelin well so i had my aunt look at me. I have had low sugar one day, high the next. I have had alot going on.

Im completly stressed to the max. My aunt is in the Hospital Hospice care unit, i have two jobs i have been workin, and im going back to school in two weeks. I also just break up with my boyfriend. Nothing can seem to go my way. Im just emotionally drained. 

Thanksgiving Day Challenge

Your mission for Thanksgiving was to send people "Happy Thanksgiving and Thank You"!!

Some people forwarded me there message. As i promised, i would post mine. 

Who i thanked(other than my family)

My 12th grade science tutor who is like a dad to me. Thank you for always being here for me, and never giving up on me.

My friends who keep me out of trouble. Who are here for me, who i can talk to about everything  

Thanksgiving Challenge

 #Thanksgiving Challenge -- find someone you are grateful for and thank them!!!! Tell them why you are grateful for them being in your life.!!!! 

Happy Thanksgiving!

If you don't see them call or text them, send then a email, a letter. 

Just send "Thank You, and explain why"

Post some as a comment, tweet them to me, i would like to hear some. Ill post mine, in next post!!!

Im sorry.

This topic is important to me, im literally tearing up writing this. We all make mistakes in life, and sometimes hurt the people in our lives we care about.In my previous post i told you, i went back and started lying to that Special Person (dad2), i feel bad, i cant say "I'm sorry" because it lost it meaning. 

You would think he would be mad at me, but its the opposite, I'm kinda mad at him.

I've lied one to many times, to people that have a special place in my heart. One person, in particular. Can you guess the person? Well, i hope this poem, i wrote, means more than a regular sorry. And that one person, can tell how sincere i really am. Well, lets hope, here it is.

IM SORRY FOR MY ACTIONS

IM SORRY FOR MY BEHAVIOR

IM SORRY FOR MY LYING

I CANT TAKE IT BACK

I WISH I COULD                                         I FEEL SO MUCH GUILT

I KNOW WHAT I DID WAS WRONG

I DONT KNOW WHAT, GOT INTO MY MIND

FROM DEEP INSIDE MY HEART, I BRING THIS APOLOGY

I know there is no valid excuse for what i did, im really sorry. I truly care, and what i did was unfair.

I really hope you can forgive me, i really feel awful about lying again. I beat myself up for doing this. 

Latest Update

I thought i would write today. Have not wrote in couple weeks. 

The past couple weeks, i have many ups and downs. 

As Dad 2 would say"my blood pressure is just where i want it", its not, its 104/91. Ive been getting migraines lately, been getting in arguments with parents. I went back and started lying to Dad 2, after i haven't in awhile. You would think he would be mad at me, buts its kinda the opposite. 

The only fun, positive things are i GOT A JOB, and I'm doing volunteer work in a classroom. I also  went to a basketball game this week with my brother, it was a blast. 

I tell everyone to pay attention to their health, not pay attention to negative things, i really mean it. When your in school like i am, its hard to pay attention to school work with negative things going on in your life. I would know, I'm in the middle if withdrawing from a class. 

I will write more, lots going on.  

My life.

I really hate my life sometimes, I Don't get any quite time while doing College. My dad acts like a little kid, calls me names, but when i give it back to him " im a bitch". I get in fights with my dad. Like just recently i got in a fight and punched him. 

Im afraid to check my blood pressure, cause i know its high. I feel sick almost two times a week. 

 I have had enough with all this crap, its to the point where i want to withdrawal from some college classes becauseI'm  failing or have a D in a class. I want to move out,but i cant because i have to focus on my education.

. I just dont want to be with my family at all. Im crying myself to bed at some nights. I cry myself to sleep because of the disrespect i get, cause I'm not doing good in college, because i feel like a bad daughter and sister. 

I lie constantly to people to cover up mu feelings. 

HIGH ON SHIRLEY TEMPLE

I never had so much fun before at a Friends house. I spent the night at a friends house. Had some Shirley Temples, and coke. Almost had a broken nose, turned out to be a sprain. Woke up to headaches. 

I will do that all over again

Attitudes

I know this is hard to read, but i want everyone to try to read it. I got this from my DAD2. I got this during a talk we had, and i put it right near my Diploma. I rread it everyday. It means alot to me. This is what is helping me get farther in life. I read it every morning, and share bits of it to my sister and brother. Im helping them learn to make better decisions in life.   

Health update

Well im getting sick, i have been outside in the rain for the past three days, my stomach is killing me, im getting migranes everyday again. My Blood Pressure is still high. Im just a mess.

APARTMENT SEARCHING

I really need to start searching for apartments ASAP. I Can not stand living at home anymore. Parents driving me crazy, cant get work done. Siblings are annoying, dont listen. Im so DONE LIVING AT HOME.
Im to the point where i want to withdraw from some classes.

Blood Pressure

Well, i got my Blood Pressure checked. Still high. Wish it was low

English Essay

Well, I'm in my third week of online classes for college. Everything is going ok, I could be doing better with my classes though. Every week we have to write a essay for English, every week the length gets longer. The topics for our Essays are " Teachers", our Professor is having us write about Valuable Lessons teachers have taught us. As everyone knows, I didn't have a good relationship with most my teachers/tutors, so some of these topics are hard. Well, this week I have two 500 word essay to write, the Question/Topic for each

Write about a teacher that you have a positive, Teacher-Student relationship with. Have you ever lied, taking this teacher for granted? If so, have you tried to fix the problem?

The other Essay
Write about a fond memory you have of a teacher, that taught you a Valuable Lesson?

These topics are very interesting for me to write about. I've been through a lot as You all can tell, and these essays are really making me think about how much "Crap", I have put that teacher through. I will post the essays when completely done

Guilt?

Ok, so remember that person i told u about earlier, the one that is in the same position as me? Well, she txted me the first day of school. Here message was:
"Hey, i thought i would tell you i have the same teacher who is like a father figure. I need your advice, you remember the situation that happened months back. I still have guilt for lying, although i apologized.The first day of school, i had the perfect chance to talk to him about me still feeling guilty, but i couldnt. Should i talk to him after class or is it a waste of time? Have u ever felt like this, did u talk to him?

Response" Congrats on having the same teacher. I do remember the situation you had. As, for this situation, i 100%, relate to this situation. As for me talking to him about feelinv guilty still, i have brought it, but I have not really had a "heart felt" talk, like i think i should. I suggest you do the same, i know, months back, youre apoligy didnt end up like you wanted. It happens, all " Teacher Father Figures" are different. I know you want to talk to him, and you definetly should, you just have to time it right. You made a good choice not doing it first day, want till you get settled in, and the first week is over. Just tell him what you told me. Promise me you will do it, and i promise ill do it. Keep posted.

A picture says A Thousand words.

I have no comment, but,
"A PICTURE SAYS A THOUSANDS WORDS"

Honesty!

I know im gonna repeat my self"I can make drama out of anything", still is applies in my life.
I have had some crazy days lately, I have lied to someone special again. I lied to this person about fights i had with the family. I told this person the fights were created 50/50, i lied i created most of them. I was getting more attention, then it stoped so i decieded to get negative attention, and create DRAMA. I may have also, lied about my grades for college. I only lie to protect my feelings, cause i know with someone issues, im afraid to hear the truth. Im not using that as an excuse at all. I know im gonna have to do alot of explaining.

HATE MY LIFE SOMETIMES

I really hate my life sometimes, i dont get any respect half the time. Dont get any quite time while doing College. My dad acts like a little kid, calls me names, but when i give it back to him " im a bitch". I have had enough with all this crap, its to the point where i want to withdrawal from some college classes, i want to move out, i just dont want to be with my family at all. Im crying myself to bed at some nights. I cry myself to sleep because of the disrespect i get, and then when i give it back to my dad, i kinda feel bad, but i know thats what he deserves.

WILD CONCERT

Well let me tell you that Luke Bryan cocert at SPAC was WILD. I went with 4 friends and we have never danced, flirted, and partied as much as we did that night. We had our cowboy boots, plaid shirt, jeans, just going crazy. Concert ended at 11, got back to friends house around 130, then had a bombfire and stayed up till around 4 partying. Homemade Shirley Temples. Yum!!
Then went to bed around 430. 
Waking up next morning was not fun. We had pounding headaches, and just felt sick. We had breakfast then literally went back to bed for 2 hours. I would totally redo that night minus partying at 4am.

Letting people in Life

Well, you know how people say "I will always be there for you", well thats a lie for some people. I knew this person for acouple years, i used to tell this person everything about me. Then after vacation, we talked once, and i lost one person i trust. This person was my friend.
The week, i need someone to talk to, i have NOONE. This has been the longest, worst week ever. I dont get appreciated for anything i do. I dont get any sort of respect/privacy while doing College work. I cant make any choices of my own. Get the point? I dont want to continue.
I just wish, i could let people in my life, without them leaving.

TRUE QUOTES

“Some people are brought into your life to be mirrors, to show you behaviors and habits that need to change.”

"True Friends&Family&Teachers  won’t grow apart, even if they don’t talk everyday"

Timing is everything. When you’re REALLY ready for it, it will come.”

TEACHER ASSISTANT

Well, i PASSED. My Teacher assistant test. All the stressing i did, and i didnt even need to worry. I scored a 239.
I guess things are finally starting to come together for me. I GUESS THINGS DO START TO GET BETTER. Now that i passed, i know some great teachers that are going to help me fill out some job applications and look for a job. Im starting online classes on the 26th of this month.
Im finally starting to be happy, dont know how long it will last though.

Health

Ok, everyone is probably wondering, "What the heck, is this", well i tell you.

Everyone worries about the stupid crap in life, and not the things that matter most. Wonder what that is???
Well, some people dont pay enough attention to their health and family like they should. Take me for example. I pay attention to getting negative attention, lying to get attention, creating drama. When i should pay attention to my health.
Same goes for your family. Your surrounded by people you love everyday. You dont want to go through life, living with regrets. Dont not pay attention to the important things cause you want to party, or you dont get along with people.
I will give an example, since they are good to learn from.

Ok, well like i mentioned, i dont pay attention to the important things as much as i should. I pay more attention to lying, than i do my health, i pay more attention to the negative attention, than i do family. Well, here is why you need to change, if your like me.

"While lying to someone special the other day, i was having sharp migrane pain, stomach bothering me, and felt dizzy, well did i go to doctor or stay home and lie more? Keep in mind, i have high blood pressure sometimes. Well, i stay home, i figured ' oh im fine, just need to eat something or take tylenol.' Well i was wrong, i was still sick and was like whatever.
Wednesday update: I still feel sick, my stomach hurts, feel like i could throw up.
The key point is pay attention to everything. That why im going to doctors, to see what is wrong!

Wild Night Out!!!

Well, last night was a FUN, CRAZY GIRLS NIGHT. 
First they surprised me with a Graduation party, then Dinner at Panera Bread(interesting), and then a bomb fire.
I had a blast, my friends are the best, although there not a good influence everyonce inawhile, they are fun to be around. 
The whole day was pretty much crazy, between loosing our bathingsuit bottoms, to flirting with a guy at Panera. After all that fun, we went and had a bomb fire, roasted smores and jammed and partied with music. One Crazy night!!!

Night Ended with me going to SPAC on Sunday for a Concert, wont be coming home till 200am, then COLLEGE THE NXT DAY. Better not get to crazy w/friends

DRAMA???

Im writing this blog, so everyone can learn from my mistake, so they hopefully dont do the same.
I saw this binder, and i thought of myself. You would think i would have learned through going through "CRAP" in school. Well i didnt, im still creating DRAMA out of nothin. If its not a fight, ill make somethin up.  Its been getting me introuble with some people. Ive been creating DRAMA & LYING to people to get attention, im still doing it, its a reall bad thing to do. You dont need to lie to get attention(think i mentioned that before). Its gonna get me yelled at, cause i told everyone i was done w/drama and lying. Im learning, and i hope everyone does the same.

Spiritual Quotes

Here are two more Quotes, ive heard, these, they have meaning in mylife.

P.S, i will start writing more, like i did, when i first started.

Quotes

Ok, i went to church, acouple weeks ago, Its been awhile, since ive gone, since ive been busy and going through alot. I heard these quotes, wanted to put them on here.
Im still overlooking these, trying to understand them.

Latest update

Its been a week, since ive been on. Ive been busy lately. Im gonna kinda go back for a minute.
Remember my post, where i was telling u to txt me, when u test ur relationship with people when they ask " you ok"? Well i got alot of tweets and txt about that. I made something bigger than it was was. Like i said im busy, so, If you need a clear description of what that was supposed to mean, please read the previous blog "clear "you ok".
It will make you understand what i meant, and i wont be dealing w/the same tweet 40 times.

Talking about twitter, i got a txt from a new ex friend on twitter, So im gonna address it here, and if u have a problem with it, then deal with it.  So here is the txt
" How could you block me from ur phone, and tell me we cant be friends anymore. After all we have been through, we told each other everything, things you couldnt even trust with your teachers or parents. I stuck up for you when you skipped classes, i would lie to the principal to keep u out of trouble. Also, ever since you got expelled you have changed into a different person."

My response
" First i can tell you, that we are not friends because you are a backstabber, lier,(im being nice, i could use other words, but certain people are reading this) I can block you from my phone, because i dont want anytjing to do with you. I got txt from you all the time, that are about me, and when i asked you about it, you pretend like you dont know anything. I couldnt trust you with anything. All those secrets i told you not to tell anyone, you TOLD the whole school, and even twisted the truth. You were friends with the person who PUNCHED/FOUGHT ME. As for trusting teachers, i trusted ONE great teacher,  one i knew that WOULDNT  stab me in the back like you did. You told the  teachers, the twisted truth, cause your a lier, who likes getting people introuble, and making them cry, cause they get introuble, for crap thats not true.  As for sticking up for me with skipping, you did one time, the rest, u sold me out. You nevered lied to the principal, to help me, you lied to get me introuble. Last but not least, YOU ARE DARN RIGHT, I CHANGED, since being kicked out. I threw away all the BOWLCRAP DRAMA i had to deal with. I talk to people who i trust, who dont judge me. I got GREAT advice from a teacher, which was to get rid of the negative people, and thats what im doing, and if you dont like it, to freakin bad, im changing my whole atmosphere around me.

Clearier "Are you ok"

Ok, I tlked to someone last night about the "Are you ok" blogs. Im going to make it more clear.
When someone txts you "Are you ok", DONT LIE. Noone is gonna know, if ur not having a good day, unless you tell them. Noone is a mind reader. And if they dont get back right away, dont think they are ignoring you, they are busy and will get back go you. Also, im gonna not lie, when answering that question. Ive hurt alot of people, and it does no good.
Also, just thinking about the conversation i had, i want to tell everyone, MAKE SURE YOUR TXTS ARE CLEAR, AND UNDERSTANDING, AND SENDS. If not, and ur tlking to a parent, or my case DAD2(father figure), you will have to do alot of explaining to make things clear..
If ur like me, and lied to many times, noone will now when or when not ur telling the truth. BEHONEST, DONT LIE, DONT END UP LIKE ME.

"You ok" update

While i was on twitter, i saw this and thought of me.
" I don't want to bother people with my problems anymore, that's why I lie"

I have been doing this lately. I have been lying to mostly everyone, about how i have been doing, about how im feeling. I APOLIGIZE IN ADVANCE TO EVERYONE. Yeah, its not good to do. When you do this, you hold in all the anger, stress, emotions, (etc), and when you do that, it does not help at all. I just feel like its the same old stuff with me, and everyone is tired of dealing w/ me. Here is alittle example.
I talked to a family member last night, after a fight i had, tried holding back tears. I told her, that im doing great, she knew something was wrong,(crying gave it away), we talked and i told her, "Im only 18, dealing w/stupid crap at home, i told her i want to go back to that sweet little girl, i was in elementary/middle school. The one who doesnt get on peoples nerves, and get them dissapointed at me".
Her Response:
"Kenzie, your always going to get on peoples nerve, people are always going to be dissapointed in you. And as for going back to that sweet girl in elementary/middle school, you cant go back to her"
Its like wow thanks, nice way to help me, so thats why im just gonna stick to lying to people, who txt me, and ask " You ok"?
This will be a good test of friendship, if someone txts you, "you ok", if people really care, and know you well,and know, something might be wrong they wont say "ok", or ignore you,  when you txt them, they will actually tlk to you, and try to help you. DONT LIE, BE HONEST AND SEE HOW MANY PEOPLE STILL TXT YOU "OK", "GREAT","AWESOME".
I will even start to being more honest.
You guys leave me comments on here, twitter, or txt me if u know me, on if you did this, and if it improved your friendship/trust w/someone, or if they continued to not help.

Are You Ok?

Everyone gets asked "Are you ok", almost everyday. Your response "Yeah", "Im doing great",etc.
Are you really ok, though? Most people are not ok, they will lie and say yeah.
Everyone goes through something different in life, you never know if they are having a bad day. They could be crying, drinking, you NEVER know. So next time you ask that question, really think about their response. If you really know the person, and their past, you might beable to tell if they are or not. Does that make sense?

Now to the people who answer the question. There is no need to lie about how you are. If your not ok, so no im not. People send that to you, because they are worried about you. If your not ok, or if your having a tough day, call someone and talk to them. I promise, it makes everything alot better.

BELIEVE

Well this saying actually means alot to me. Ive had to geown to believe this.
Ive never believed this, ive always put myself down, never thought i was gonna get anywhere in life.
Freshman year, i thought i was never going to make it to senior year. I thought i was gonna drop out. I actually didnt try as hard as i should have. I have given up on myself at times. Same with sophmore year.
Junior year, i actually ran into my middle school science teacher, and actually tried, cause junior year, i ended up failing regents and classes.
Senior year, finally came. Didnt end like i thought but i made it.

Here is how the quote fits in:
I DREAMED of being the first in my family to graduate and attend college.
I BELIEVED in myself through everything that i would make it this far.
I ACHIEVED my goal.
Im HAPPY & SMILING, because i finally made it to where i want to be.
Im Happy because i have people in my corner helping me, BELIEVING in me, caring and listening to me when i need help. And i LOVE, and APPRECIATE everything they do for me.

Transformation Tuesday

Here is a little transformation.
When i was little to now, a graduated high school student, about to start HVCC.
When i was little, i was this perfect child, never did anything wrong. I got along w/everyone. Didnt get invovled where i wasnt supposed to.

Now, im a High School Graduate. I have changed. Im not that much of a Sweet girl anymore. I get in trouble, im arguing and lying to everyone. I feel like im not the type of daughter my parents want at times. I feel like im a bad influence on my siblings.
I feel bad because i get involvedin situation where i dont belong.
I wish i could be that cut girl again, in the photo.
I cant, neither can you. We all grow up, in different ways, different times. Take your time, dont rush anything. I learned this all the hard way. Im still learning the hard way. Believe me. Its hard, but u will love and thank everyone, for yelling at you, for tlking to you at late hrs. For caring and jist listening. TRUST ME LIFE GETS BETTER!!!!!

30 Day Self Esteem Answers

Im not gonna lie, i dont want to do this challenge, but i promised someone i would, so im not gonna break my promise. Some questions dont make sense, but im gonna stick through it, and answer them. Here are the first ten.
1. A facial feature i like about myself, are my eyes.
2. I dont have any physical feature i like about my self.
3. A part of my personality i like is that im funny and sweet.
4. I dont have a habit i really like, i have bad habits like, lying and arguing.
5. I dont like how i think because i tend to make bad decision most of the time.
6. I like that im a caring person.
7. I tend not to feel good about myself. If/when i feel best about myself it would be when im by myself.
8. The last time i smile when some one complimented me, was at my graduation. They told me " you deserve this, and im proud of you"
9. Drawing and spending time w/ friends, and tlking to people who care about me, makes me smile, because im doing somwthing i love.
10. "I am, who i am, because i am my own person". I choose how to act, behave. Nobody makes my choices but me.

My answers will get better, just taking this challenge one day at a time. I will also start writing more, about different things, just going through alot, good and bad. Im also getting ready for work and college. My brother also starts football on the first, so life is stressful.

Latest Update

Ok, well the last couple blogs got posted late. I took my Teacher Assistant test, and felt good about it. (Will now result nxt month), its out of my hands so i cant control it anymore. Im getting ready for my online classes nxt month. I had a job interview, but i didnt get the job :(
There are some things on my mind, that i need to let out, and ill do that here, so i dont need to keep bothering my DAD2. Im being a pain. Ha.
I got some upsetting news, about my Uncle. Nvrmind, i cant. Lets forget about that. 
Any ways, someone sent me this on twitter, kinda caught me off guard. I really did not know how to respond to it. I eventually did though. I hope my answer helped.
" Hey, im in the same position as u, i have a person who is also like another dad to me, and we got into a bad argument, and. I lied to him. He doesnt know but i have so much guilt, i want to tell him, but i dont know how? Have u ever been in my position? If so, how long did it for him to catch on? I dont want my situation to get as far as ur did, and almost loose our relationship, but if i have to lie to protect my feeling should i?

My response," Yes, i know how u are feeling. Ive been in your postion plenty of times, and yeah, if i lie to my second dad again, i loose our friendship. You dont want that to happen. I have yet, to get in a bad argument w/ him. I hope that NEVER happens. My second Dad, did not know i was lying to him at first either. To be honest, i dont know how he caught on. I forgot. My advice on how to tell him, " just contact him, and tell him, u are sorry, u didnt know what u were thinking, and it wont happen again." It worked for me everytime, hey it still does. As for lying to protect ur feelings, idk how to really answer that one. My Dad2, treats me like a daughter, so he never takes anything easy, he will yell at me if i need it. Idk if ur is like that? I have lied recentally to protect my feelings, it doesnt help, cause u still feel the guilt. Just behonest, and if he finds out u lied, be ready to take the consequence/lecture, and just behonest from now. Hope it helps, keep me posted

30 Day Self Esteem Challenge Questions

Ok, im not gonna lie, i have always had low self esteem, never felf comfortable about my body. So im gonna do this test. Hopefully it will help. I hope u all do this test also. Just like the self harm challenge, i will post my answers on here, so u can see my progress.

30 Day Challenge Answers

Well everyone, i did it. I completed the challenge. I Didnt cut through the whole challenge. So here are my final answers.

23. My favorite inspirational quote would have to be from my DAD2. "If at first you dont suceed, try,try again"
24. My main triggers are being misunderstood, and stress.
25. I dont know any statistics about self harm
26. Spending quality time w/family and friends, and not fighting.
27. I have only cut once, since the start of the challenge.
28. The short term goals i have are to get along w/ people better, and not self harm any more.
29. I do not follow any self harm blogs.
30. This graduation picture of me will always remind me of what ive went through, and it was alot. If it was not being expelled from school, it was getting yelled at. Etc. Im a changed girl now, and i could not be happier.

Worth More

Well, its been alittle while since i wrote. This picture says it all. "Im trying to stay strong for my siblings". Ive been going through alot. Ive been fighting with my parents more. Im getting ready for HVCC nxt month. Alot of stress, and due to that i went back to my old ways, ive cut again, lied to somebody i should not have. Im definately not happy where i am right now. Im getting depressed again, and that is not good. Ive had to go through counseling in school due to depression.

With all this going on , im trying to stay strong. Yeah, im an ADULT, but the pressure i have is unbearble sometimes. Im barely getting any attention from my parents, im getting barely any support from them. Ive been making decisions im proud and not proud of. Im definately trying to stay strong, because im definately worth it.
I have a love and hate relationship with my life. Lately sometimes i feel like i dont belong here anymore. Ive tried to end my life, ive had plans/thoughts. I never go through with it, but i have had the thoughts/ plan lately.

Staying Strong

Its been a little while since i wrote. Ive been going through alot lately. Ive been emotionally, physically drained. Ive been loosing sleep, been being stressed over Teaching Assistant Test.
Ive made acouple stupid decisions, ive cut again, i lied to somebody, ive left home for a day. Im not proud of these decisions at all.
Ive made acouple good decisions, that i am proud of, im watching after siblings, eliminating negative people, and applied for a job.

Im slowly, changing, and making better decisions.

30 day challenge answers

10. I dont feel good about my scars. I already have low self esteem, i dont feel comfortable about my body, so when i want to wear my bathsuit some scars are exposed. I feel like everyone is going to see me and judge me.
11. The strangest place i have cut, would have been in 6th grade science. And once in the library, during tutoring.
12. I dont keep my tools, i dispose of them, when done.
13. The biggest realization ive made with self harm is that it does nothin to help the recovery process. It completly stupid.
14. There are three people i find an inspiration in my recovery process. Those people are my science teacher, my brother, and my sister. My science is like a father to me, and he treats me like a daughter, so when he yells it hurts, but i need it. He makes me stronger. And my siblings need there older sister in their life, to help them make good choices.
15. I dont visit any websites, but i do follow someone on twitter.
16. The advice i give someone who self harms, would be find someone who you trust, and tlk to them, and then get help.
17. I do not know anyone else who self harms.
18.Dear kenzie,
             Im glad you are no longer making stupid decision. Im glad you finally opened up to someone, and took there advice to get help. I want you to know where you were, and where you are now. I dont want you to ever go back. Remember have faith in yourself, and you will always have someone to talk to.
19. 5 reson recovery is worth it.
           1. Have my future
            2. Family/friends
              3. Its not worth the pain
                4. So everyone isnt upset with me
                  5. I wont be judge
20. I dont really have a vivid memory of cutting. I tend to forget the memories, because it is a stupid idea.
21. I have tried to stop, i have stoped for 6yrs before. It was hard because i didnt have someone to talk to. Thats what im doing different this time, im talking to two people, who are helping me stop, and come up w/ different techniques to calm down.
22. I feel the most calm in my room, listening to music, talking to the one person who cares

Decision making update

Okay, lets remember, the first post, was to tell everyone to make good, postive decision, that benifit ur future. Also, remember, when i said i need to follow my own advice, it hasnt worked yet.
Thursday night was long night. It was a stressful night. I talked to my teacher, but before that i made a bad decision. And its coming back, to bite me in the @$$. I need good luck, cause tomorrow, i need to talk to my teacher  about that decision. Im nervous to see what he has to say, cause through the txt, it looks like he is Pissed at me.  He told me, " im beyond yelling at you kenz", so im thinking he is really pissed, or he is giving up on helping me, or both. Idk, so, im not only nervous, but kinda teary eyed. Idk, i could be blowing this out of proportion, and this could just be another "heart-heart" tlk..  but, If you remember the last post, it mentioned, how much i appreciate his help, and idk, what i would do with him in my life, helping. He has  been there for me all year. Thats why im nervous.
Hopefully he reads this before, and he knows, im sorry for my bad decision, thay i know it was wrong, and i wont do it again, causr all i have to do is talk to him, and he will help me through it. Also, he wont give up on helping me, or not be in my life anymore(end our friendship)

Im Sorry update

Yesterday was a tough day, for me.
The last blog i wrote, was an important topic to me. Im going to repeat something,"We all make mistakes in life, and sometimes hurt the ones we care about". That is important, we all remember, espically for me, because i didnt realize how much i hurt the one person, that has a special spot in my heart till now. My last blog was an apology to that person, and it meant alot.
Last night, after i posted that, he called me and told me he read it, and it touches home, and that he agrees that ive lied one to many times. Btw, im crying writing this. Last night we really had a Heart to Heart talk. Let me tell you that talk really touched my heart, and kinda made me mad.  That teacher is my second Dad, i care and respect him like a dad.  He is the only one i can talk to, and he understands/know, what im going through. And yesterday, when he said " If you still want me in your life, and help you, then you need to stop lying to me" " your like a daughter to me, and i will talk and treat you like one, but if you lie to me again then our friendship will be over". Just thinking about that really makes me upset, cause of how much he has helped me. I cant even think about loosing a friendship over a LIE. Like i said earlier, not only did the coversation touch home, and hurt(makes me upset), but it also, changed my perspective on life, and decision making. I know im not gonna lie ANYMORE, to that one person. He has helped me through so much, and he does not deserve me lying to him.

Im getting worked up over nothin, so i have to stop.

Im sorry

This topic is important to me, im literally tearing up writing this. We all make mistakes in life, and sometimes hurt the people in our lives we care about. One way to make it better is to apologize. But for some cases, "Im sorry" losses meaning after you use it alot. My " Im sorry" is heading in that direction. I need to really start listening to my own advice, because ive lied one to many times, to people that have a special place in my heart. One person, in particular. Can you guess the person? Well, i hope this poem, i wrote, means more than a regular sorry. And that one person, can tell how sincer i really am. Well, lets hope, here it is.

                                         DAD2
IM REALLY SORRY FOR MY RECENT ACTIONS, I FEEL SO MUCH GUILT
I KNOW WHAT I DID WAS WRONG, IM SO SORRY FROM DEEP INSIDE
CLEARLY GUILTY, MY HANDS ARE TIED
WHAT I DID WAS NOT VERY KIND,
I DONT KNOW WHAT, GOT INTO MY MIND
FROM DEEP INSIDE MY HEART, I BRING THIS APOLOGY
I KNOW THERE IS NO VALID EXCUSE
IM REALLY SORRY, I TRULY CARE,
WHAT I DID WAS COMPLETLY UNFAIR,
HOPE YOU FORGIVE ME,
I FEEL AWFUL ABOUT MY LIE
                                              THE END

P.S. NEVER SAID I WAS GOOD AT RYMING

Inspiring Quotes

Inspirational Quotes. You down, and need some inspirational words, these help. I look at all these, mostly top four, and it helps me cool down.

Science Teacher:
1. If at frist, you dont suceed, try try again
2. This process is a marathon nit a sprint so be patient, and you will be rewarded.
3. You are you because you are you
4. Nobody knows you better than you
Social Teacher:
5. You are where you are because the choices you make

"If the CAP fits, let them wear it" Bob Marley
That has been my CAP class quote, since 11 grade. Focusing on that quote also, made me get to where i am now.

Decision Making

Well, everything has been okay lately. I have not sf harmed in 12days. I have not lied to my teacher in 2 days. I went to the doctors, because ive been sick lately and that turned into me having to do a self esteem challenge. With that out, who is ready for a biography?
Its my personal experience with issues.
Relationships
Im 18, and from East Greenbush,Ive dealt with being bullied, being expelled from school, getting in fights. Ive had thoughts of running away. My parents and i dont have a healthy relationship. My Dad, and i fight almost everyday. Ive gotten better on the way i deal w/ it. Normally, i was say, F**k this, and leave the house. I now, ocassionally txt, my Dad2, "SLOW DOWN AND BREATH". I forget every once and awhile. My siblings realtionship w/ me, is good, we fight like everyother siblings do. My mom and i get along well, we dont fight. Thats my realationship, now the important part.
Decision Making.
Ive made some stupid decisions in my life. And if anyone who, nows me, read this, they could comment, on countless stupid decisions, ive made. Im 18, im gonna do it. Im just not gonna lie about them, yes,
1. Ive ran away from home
2. Ive partied before
3. Ive had drinks before,
4. Ive lied, to teachers/principals/parents
5. Ive got into fights, im a teenager, youre gonna want to do it. But let me be the first, to tell you, there stupid choices, ive made. Ive had countless, tlks with a teacher, who has tlked me out of making the same mistakes. And let me tell you, ive got mad at the teacher, he has gotten mad at me, but if it was not for him, i would not be here. I love that teacher for it. I dont know, how i could repay, him for all his hard work, and not giving up on me.
Environment
This is important, i would know. You have to have a calm, and positive environment around you. I can be the first, to tell. I dont have a calm environment, im around fighting, i get in fights. And as a result of that, i get mild- migranes, everyday, i get sick, and just dont want to be here anymore.

My advice to everyone is,
1. Find a teacher, relative, friend, someone you trust, someone who will listen.
2. Learn Hot Yoga, it releases stress. 3. Find a place to get away to, if the environment, is not calm, and safe.
4. Dont make stupid decisions,
5. PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR FUTURE!!!, ITS YOUR MAIN GOAL.

This, helped me, release some stress from todays, crazy day.

Need attention?

Its 1:17 am, thought i would update you on something, we talked about yesterday. Everyone remember the teacher i told u about? Well, get readt.
  Yesterday, after i wrote that about the teacher, that was always there for me, i sent him the link, to read it. Also, remember the lesson i told you? DONT LIE, TO A TEACHER, THAT IS LIKE A FATHER, WHO IS ALWAYS THERE! Btw, it wasnt my last chance, the teacher was happy w/ what i wrote.
Here is where the lesson comes in play again,
Well, that teacher ask " How was ur day"?  I replied, " it was okay, not home all day" Did i lie, or did i tell the truth?????  I started to, my day was okay, but then, i did what the Title is called " needed  attention", so being the "smart" person i am, i said" im with friends partying" Well, sure enough, he thought i was telling the truth. I thought i got away with it. I was happy i got attention. Wait, after several txts...
Sure enough he caught on, and i got the txt "i hate to say this but i have to, Are you lying to me"? Sure, enough i got caught right handed. I had to admit to it. I was sure the nxt day, i was going to get a lecture. Well, i was right about some, that tlk came sooner. After, i told him " NOO, I was lying" and " ur gonna hate me" I got the txt, i new was gonna come, just not at 12:45am " Find somewhere to talk, and call me"? So, i did, just that. After, we settled the lying, He would ask me so many times, if i was home. Just to see if i would tell the truth. I was, btw. That conversation lasted till 1:00. He is still confused, why i lied. Well, i did it for attention. Im gonna have to do more explaining probably. I know, its wrong, to lie to get attention. Thats the point, im trying to make. If you need/want attention, cause maybe u dont get enough? Maybe u dont get any? DONT, DONT LIE, TO GET IT, YOU WILL HAVE ALOT OF EXPLAINING TO DO.
Well,im beat, its now, 2:19am, i need sleep.
Also, if ur gonna spend a wk w/friends make sure they are real, can u guess where im going w/this???

DAD2: Ur the best
Btw, i kinda lied the other day, about being at my friends house, since june 30th.(since fight)

30 day challenge answers

Here are my first nine answers
1. I started cutting myself in 6th grade. I did this challenge, and didnt cut for 6yrs. I graduated high school, and started again, because of stress in my life. I started cutting again because i thought it would relase the stress.
2. My thighs are my main affected area.
3. My main motivation would have to be my science teacher, he is like another father, and he has been supporting me through everything. Also, my siblings, i have to be here for them, they are my main priority in life. I also cant stand scaring the ones that actually care for me.
4. At times i think im addicted to self harm.
5. I dislike the pain and the judgment from people that know i self-harm.
6. I used to like the attention i got from people. I learned though, i dont have to cut to get attention.
7. Ten things that calm me down
     1. Hot yoga 2. Dancing 3. Walking 4. Listening to music 5. Taking nap 6. Drawing 7. Reading 8. Writing
9. Cooking 10. Talking to DAD2

8. That im a smart chick, im worth more than i give myself credit for, that i can make it through anything, and im a beautiful young lady.
9. I have taken pics of two of my cuts. I actually got the advice from someone i tlk to. He gave me the idea, so i can tell myself " kenzie stop, this is stupid". Everytime i fell like cutting, i look at those photos. Sometimes it works sometimes it doesnt. But im not giving up.

A teacher

Im writing about something different today. I will do this time by time. This is a lesson i was taught, and never learned till now. Hopefully, the teacher im writing about reads this. The pic proves it all though.
Okay, i have one teacher that has touched my heart. That one teacher is like a father to me, i even call him my dad. He was my sixth grade teacher, and 12th grade tutor. Ive been through alot in life, especially this year and he has been by my side, when ever i need him, he is there. We have a good relationship, when i dont lie. He always has the best advice, he always now what to say when im down and upset, and he knows when im lying! Have you had a teacher like this? Lying is my next point. Ive had experience where ive lied to him, and he has caught me. I dont know, why i lie to him, sometimes its because im afraid to hear the truth, and reality he will tell me.  When i lie to him, i get mad cause he is mad. Know what i mean?
Last week , i was having a bad day and he was there, to help me through it. And i did, i got through, without doing anything stupid. Wait.... No i did, i lied once again. He caught me, and i think, that was my last chance to show he can trust me. Im still beating my self up, for lying to him. I hope, i can regain he trust again. He is the only one that listens and understands me.

My advice for anyone that has a teacher like this, my advice is to not lie. Be honest with them. They are there to help, and the cant help, without all the details and info. Ive learned the hard way.

30 Day Challenge

Hey, i want everyone to take part of this challenge, if you have ever Self- Harmed. Im going to take part, and i will be open with my answers. Post a comment if you want me to post my answers on my Blog!!!

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1TAlfcAKHPZGkNbUlQznxOG44DzntOaxgnMkvIKSGmqo/mobilebasic?pli=1

Cutting

June 18, 2013
      Im writing to tell you about my relapse i had the other day. I cut myself over stress. It dosent help, it just adds more. Im talking to people about this, and so should you. I got told a phrase by someone " if you dont succeed the first time try, try again".
        Getting help is not a bad thing. It helps alot. People might not always be happy with the choices you make, but they will help you to recover.